Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Book Summary - Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Book explained in key points

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Good Boundaries and Goodbyes summary

Name: Good Boundaries and Goodbyes
Rating: 4.2 (72 reviews)
Author: Lysa TerKeurst

Lysa TerKeurst

Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

4.2 (72 ratings)

14 mins

Brief summary

'Good Boundaries and Goodbyes' by Lysa TerKeurst is a self-help book that guides individuals on how to set healthy boundaries, learn to say no, and handle endings in life. It encourages readers to prioritize self-care and improve relationships.

Topics

Christianity Love Self-Care

Table of Contents

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes
Summary of 7 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Learn what you can do about bad relationships.

Too often, Christians assume that love one another and forgive mean accepting bad behavior and sacrificing themselves for the sake of other people’s dysfunctions. According to Lysa TerKeurst, this isn’t only unnecessary, but actually the opposite of honoring God’s will: We were never meant to sacrifice our identity, our health, or our safety in the name of believing in the best in people. In fact, when we do that, we end up perpetuating negative behaviors and bad relationships.

Setting good boundaries means protecting our identity and setting our relationships up for success. In this Blink, we’ll talk about the right and wrong ways to set these boundaries, the role of consequences, and how to know when it’s time to say goodbye. And since this book is primarily addressed to Christians, we’ll adopt the author’s Christian perspective.

Protect Your Identity

Who are you?

Take a moment to really think about it.

What did God intend when he created the unique person that is you? If you can’t answer that question, then you’ve found the root of your boundary problems. The truth is, you have to know who you are in order to set good boundaries.

And you also have to see yourself as being just as sufficient for God’s love as other people are. If you’re giving too much in your relationships because you believe it’s the Christian thing to do, you’re not alone in your misunderstanding of Christ’s command to forgive – more on that in a little while.

One way to really protect yourself from bad relationships is to build your relationship with God by spending time working on yourself. Sometimes when we don’t understand ourselves and our needs, we worry that God won’t be enough to fill the emptiness we’re feeling. This can lead to seeking out that fulfillment in other people.

But other people will never be able to fill that empty feeling inside of you. Only God can do that. So the foundation of any good relationship has to start with you having a good relationship with yourself and with God.

You Can’t Change Them

Unfortunately, achieving better relationships isn’t the finish line of a well-run race. In fact, it’s an ongoing process … and the name of that process is life.

Your goal in life should be to reach strength in your relationship with yourself and with God before seeking out new relationships. On the other hand, you certainly can’t wait for it to be perfect before working with the ones you have. So, one of the tricky things can be identifying when you’re in a damaging relationship.

Boundaries Are About Access

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean refusing to forgive someone or cutting off love. It’s about the level of access you give someone to your heart. Love is unconditional, but access should never be; the amount of access someone has should be directly commensurate to the level of responsibility they display.

Think of Adam and Eve. At first, they had unlimited access to God. But when they disobeyed, they showed a lack of responsibility that required a reduction in access.

Boundaries Are Your Responsibility

To better understand what a good boundary is, let’s first think about what it isn’t. It isn’t a way to perfect someone, enforce your judgment on someone, or punish someone. Boundary setting shouldn’t be done out of resentment or passive aggression.

Boundaries are there to put protection around your identity. While you should always be willing to evaluate and change your behavior, you should never change your identity.

Consequences, Not Threats

Boundaries only work if you apply consequences. This can be tricky, especially if you’re with someone who isn’t being respectful of your boundaries. Keep in mind that a consequence isn’t a threat, a punishment, or an ultimatum.

A consequence must be clearly stated and firmly adhered to. If you fail to follow through on the consequence, the other person will see your consequence as an empty threat. Someone resistant to your boundaries may accuse you of being hard-hearted, of making threats or ultimatums, or of taking things too seriously.

Say Goodbye

As a Christian, you’re called to forgive. And that calling can seem like it’s in conflict with ending relationships. But remember, your relationship with God isn’t unconditional. It depends on your obedience. He’ll always love you, but unless you follow him, you won’t live in eternity with him. That’s the ultimate goodbye.

On the other hand, when Adam and Eve – and by extension, all of humanity – were cast out of the garden, they were given guidelines for restoring our relationship with God. Goodbyes can be for a season or forever. And you may not get to know which is which.

Final Summary

Boundaries and goodbyes aren’t easy, but they’re your responsibility. Love is free to go on forever, but access to your heart or your life should only be given to those who treat that access with responsibility. So, set boundaries to keep yourself whole and protect your relationships. And if the time comes that the boundaries are no longer enough, understand that goodbyes are a part of life.

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What is Good Boundaries and Goodbyes about?

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (2022) offers a Christian perspective on setting healthy boundaries and learning when and how to say goodbye.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Review

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (2023) is a valuable resource for anyone seeking to establish healthy boundaries in relationships and navigate the complexities of saying goodbye. Here's why this book is worth reading:

It offers practical strategies for setting boundaries and walking away from toxic relationships, empowering readers to take control of their lives.
Through real-life stories and relatable examples, the book provides a deeper understanding of the importance of boundaries and the healing power of goodbyes.
With its compassionate and insightful approach, the book challenges conventional thinking and offers fresh perspectives on fostering healthy relationships.

Best quote from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23

—Lysa TerKeurst

Who should read Good Boundaries and Goodbyes?

Christian women who want to feel healthier in their relationships
Christians seeking a way to balance personal health with relationship health
Anyone contemplating or going through divorce or separation

About the Author

Lysa Terkeurst is the New York Times best-selling author of Forgiving What You Can’t Forget and Uninvited. Besides her work as an author, Lysa is a frequent speaker at the She Speaks Conference and is the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries.

Categories with Good Boundaries and Goodbyes

Communication Skills Religion & Spirituality Sex & Relationships

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