Who is the author of Opening Up?

Tristan Taormino is the author of Opening Up.

Sex & Relationships

Opening Up Book Summary - Opening Up Book explained in key points

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Opening Up summary

Name: Opening Up
Rating: 4.2 (148 reviews)
Author: Tristan Taormino

Tristan Taormino

A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

4.2 (148 ratings)

23 mins

Brief summary

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a guidebook for individuals and couples interested in exploring consensual non-monogamy.
It provides practical advice on communication, negotiation, and building strong relationships in ethical non-monogamous communities.

Topics

Marriage Love Sex

Table of Contents

Opening Up
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Learn how to create honest, intimate relationships.

Do you feel restless in your relationship, like something’s missing that you can’t quite put your finger on? Or are you trapped in a pattern of cheating on your partners? If so, you may not be suited to a monogamous relationship.

As we grow up, we’re taught that we’ll meet our soulmates and live happily ever after. But this fairy tale simply doesn’t match up with reality. As divorce rates show, monogamous relationships are hard to sustain.

The truth is, no one person can fulfill all our needs and desires. And expecting so much from one relationship can cause it to buckle under the pressure. Opening our relationships gives us space to explore our desires. And, most importantly of all, it forces us to confront our own insecurities and build relationships based on trust instead of fear and possessiveness.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why open relationships involve more talking than sex;
how to deal with feelings of jealousy; and
why it can be a bad idea to come out to your parents.

It’s a myth that one person can fulfill all our needs and desires.

Most of us grow up believing a very compelling fairy tale: that we’ll grow up to meet The One, get married, and then live happily ever.

We’ve been taught that our soulmate should be all things to us. This magical person will be able to support us, share our political enthusiasms and interests, be the perfect coparent to our children, and even be our best friend. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce these days. That’s a huge amount of pressure to put on just one person!

The key message here is: It’s a myth that one person can fulfill all our needs and desires.

One of the most damaging myths about monogamous relationships is the idea that once we find a life partner, we’ll never so much as desire anybody else, because this partner will fulfill all of our sexual needs.

This belief is damaging because it completely ignores how human sexuality works. Of course we don’t stop being attracted to other people after we get married! And of course one person can’t always fulfill all our desires. After all, our sexual tastes can change. Maybe, in our sixties, we’ll develop an interest in being spanked. Or maybe a bout of depression will kill our sex drive for a while.

In traditional monogamous relationships, people start feeling guilty when they are attracted to other people. This means that they either bottle up those feelings or they resort to cheating. Cheating is common; a poll conducted in 2007 reported that half of the 70,000 respondents admitted to being unfaithful in their relationships. And cheating is as effective a way to sabotage a relationship as ceasing to share your true feelings.

Luckily, there is another option. You can be honest with yourself and your partner, and accept that, in fact, one person can’t fulfill your every need. You will be attracted to other people. And sometimes you’ll feel dissatisfied in your relationship.

Once you’ve accepted that, you have options. You can actively choose monogamy and embrace your relationship with realistic expectations, or you can have a conversation with your partner about opening up your relationship to other people.

Either way, having realistic expectations will be hugely beneficial for your relationship. Instead of believing in a fairy tale, you can appreciate what you have. And even better, you can start actively building the kind of relationship that suits you.

Nonmonogamous relationships come in many forms.

Imagine your partner reveals to you that he has a foot fetish, and all he wants to do is nibble on your toes. But the very idea creeps you out – you think feet are gross, and don’t want to participate. What do you do?

One approach that nonmonogamous couples take when their levels of sexual desire don’t match is to open their relationships up to casual sex with other people. That way, your partner can find someone who shares his fetish and can enjoy some no-strings-attached sex that doesn’t involve you.

Nonmonogamy only works if you have incredibly good communication skills.

Some people think of nonmonogamy as a free-for-all of endless sex, swinging, and parties. They might be disappointed to know that, more often, it involves endless conversations about boundaries, consent, and who’s going to take the kids to school.

As we’ve seen, there’s no cookie-cutter template for nonmonogamous relationships. That can be incredibly freeing. But it also means that you need to learn how to communicate very well, or the whole thing will fall apart. If you’ve been in a previously monogamous couple, you’ll need to have an honest conversation before you can even consider opening up your relationship, and figure out exactly what the ground rules are.

Agreements are sacred in nonmonogamous relationships.

Designing strong nonmonogamous relationships involves making very clear agreements with all of your partners. These agreements center on what kinds of relationships are permitted, how much time everyone can spend with different partners, and what kinds of safe sex practices are allowed within and outside the couple or group.

It’s no exaggeration to say that these agreements are sacred. Everyone involved puts a lot of time and effort into agreeing on boundaries. People also make themselves vulnerable when they articulate clearly what they want and need. That’s why violation of these agreements can feel like as much of a betrayal as cheating in monogamous relationships.

To thrive in nonmonogamous relationships, you must learn how to deal with jealousy.

Imagine you’re on the couch in an old T-shirt after a hard day of work. You’re exhausted and craving some cuddles with your partner – and then in she saunters, dressed to the nines, with a sparkle in her eye. She’s going out on a date with a new love interest! You immediately feel left out, and jealousy rears its ugly head.

Jealousy comes up in all relationships. In fact, in monogamous relationships we’re taught that we should be jealous if our partners so much as flirt with anyone else – it’s a way of showing we care!

Compersion is the best part of nonmonogamous relationships.

Let’s do another thought experiment. You’re at home, on the couch again, in your ratty old T-shirt. Your partner is out on a date, which would usually drive you wild with jealousy. But this time, as you think of him dancing and making out with his hot date, something else happens. The thought of them together actually turns you on, and makes you feel elated.

This sensation of vicarious joy and excitement for your partner is called compersion. Instead of viewing his relationships with others as depriving you of something, you start to see them as adding to your life, because they make your partner happy and excited.

People in nonmonogamous relationships face a lot of discrimination.

Coming out to friends and family can be one of the hardest parts of being in a nonmonogamous relationship. While society has started to accept lesbian and gay relationships, there’s still an expectation that these will mirror conventional monogamous structures as much as possible.

People are often threatened by the seeming ambiguity of multipartner relationships. And they may have few references for open or polyamorous relationships besides what they see on TV about “sister wives” and polygamy. What’s more, nonmonogamy may challenge their own monogamous ideals, which can be reinforced by deep-seated moral and religious values.

Polyamorous relationships can transform our family structures.

A common concern that people have about nonmonogamy is that it’ll destroy the family unit, which today is thought of as being a nuclear structure consisting of two heterosexual parents and their children.

But this concept of the family is quite recent. It used to be much more common for several generations of a family to live together under one roof, sharing domestic tasks. Over the last century this has changed, and there’s now much more pressure on parents to hold everything together without much support from other family members.

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What is Opening Up about?

Opening Up (2008) demystifies nonmonogamous relationships, and shows that there are many different ways of creating loving partnerships and building alternative families. By opening up their relationships, people can explore hidden desires, have lots of fun, and radically improve their self-awareness and communication skills.

Opening Up Review

Opening Up (2008) by Tristan Taormino is an insightful exploration of non-monogamy and its many forms. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Provides a comprehensive understanding of non-traditional relationships, including polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.
Offers practical advice and tools for navigating the challenges and complexities of non-monogamous relationships.
Presents compelling personal stories and experiences that make the book relatable and engaging, challenging preconceived notions about love and relationships.

Who should read Opening Up?

Open-minded thinkers who want to learn how to improve their relationships
Lovers who want to learn to communicate their desires more honestly
People exploring their sexuality

About the Author

Tristan Taormino is a feminist writer, sex educator, and activist. She’s the author of seven books, including the Firecracker Award–winning The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. She’s also edited several collections of erotica, and directed and starred in pornographic films.

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